Budget Cuts: New Office Policy

NEW OFFICE POLICY EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 1
Due to budget cuts, this will be your new cube:

Dress Code:

1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.


2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.


3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.


4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

• We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

• Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

• This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
• Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place.
• In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
• We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

• Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
• At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound,the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
• After your second offense,your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.
• Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:

• Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
• Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
• Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management